
This September 11th, like every other, offers us a chance to reflect on loss and the ways we can support those who are grieving. Over the years, as I've tried to help those that are grieving, I frequently refer to Jill Goldstein's recommendations on how to say the right thing when encountering someone that has lost a loved one. Jill, the wife of a Cantor Fitzgerald employee who was killed in the World Trade Center, shared ten "Don’ts" in a 2003 Good Housekeeping article. Here we have expanded on her ten "Don’ts," which are as relevant today as they were then.
#1 Don’t try to fix us. Grief is not a problem to be solved or a wound that can be healed with the right words or gestures. When someone tries to offer solutions or "fix" our pain, it can feel dismissive, as if our grief is something to be eradicated rather than experienced. Simply being there—listening without judgment, sitting with us in silence, or offering a shoulder to cry on—can be the most valuable support you can provide. It allows us the space to feel what we need to feel, without the pressure to pretend we’re okay or to move on before we’re ready. By resisting the urge to fix us, you give us the gift of acceptance and the comfort of knowing that we’re not alone in our sorrow.

#2 Don’t tell us to snap out of it. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and what might seem like a long time to some is often just the necessary period for others. Instead of pushing us to move forward before we're ready, be patient. If you’re genuinely concerned about how long we’ve has been grieving, gently suggest speaking with a professional who can provide appropriate support, rather than urging us to simply get over it. This approach respects our journey while also addressing any concerns you might have about our well-being.
#3 Don’t offer your pity. Instead, demonstrate empathy, which involved being truly present, listening without judgment and acknowledging our emotions as valid and important. Pity can make a grieving person feel isolated or misunderstood, as it often comes across as looking down on our situation.
#4 Don’t compliment us on our strength. While these comments are often intended to be supportive, they can inadvertently add pressure to appear composed and in control, even when we may be struggling internally. Maintaining a facade of strength often comes at the cost of suppressing emotions that need to be expressed. Alternatively, acknowledge the complexity of our feelings and offer a safe space where we can be vulnerable.
#5 Don’t comment on our surrogate parent role. When a parent is grieving, the focus is often on survival—just getting through each day. Comments about how well they’re stepping into this dual role, though likely intended as praise, can serve as a reminder of the impossible task of filling the shoes of a lost partner while also managing their own grief. What grieving parents need is support, understanding, and reassurance that it’s okay not to have everything figured out.
#6 Don’t fear talking about our loved ones. Hearing their name can be a profound comfort, as it acknowledges that their life mattered and their presence is still felt. Sharing memories or simply mentioning them keeps their legacy alive, reminding us that they haven’t been forgotten. It shows that others remember and care, helping us feel less isolated in our grief. This simple act of speaking their name or recalling a fond moment can provide immense comfort, bridging the gap between the past and present, and honoring the memory of someone we deeply miss.
#7 Don’t be put off by our moodiness. Grief is filled with emotional highs and lows that can shift without warning. Some days, we might seem fine, while on others, we might be overwhelmed by sadness, anger, or frustration. These mood swings are a natural part of the grieving process. Your patience and understanding during these ups and downs is crucial.
#8 Please don’t ask about our financial situation. Asking about our finances can feel intrusive, as it touches on a deeply personal and often sensitive aspect of life at a time when we are most vulnerable. Financial concerns are undoubtedly important but bringing them up amid grief can add an extra layer of stress and anxiety to an already overwhelming experience. Offer your support in ways that respect our emotional state, allowing space to process grief without the added burden of financial scrutiny.
#9 Don’t take it personally if we’re slow to respond. It’s not uncommon for those grieving to feel overwhelmed by even the simplest tasks, like responding to phone calls, text messages, emails, or staying in touch with friends and family. The energy required to engage in conversation, even with those we care about deeply, can sometimes feel like too much to bear. This doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate your outreach or that we’re intentionally ignoring you—it’s just that grief often saps our energy and focus, making it difficult to maintain connections in the way we might have before. Your consistent presence, even without immediate responses, is a powerful reminder that we’re not alone in our grief.
#10 Most importantly, don’t abandon us. After the initial shock of loss subsides, the world around us often returns to its normal rhythm, but our grief remains. In those early days, the support we receive is often abundant—people reach out, offer condolences, and provide help. Once the immediate crisis has passed, support can dwindle, yet that may be when it is most needed. Your continued care, even if it’s just a check-in or a simple message to let us know you’re thinking of us, can be a lifeline. It reassures us that we’re not forgotten, our loss is still acknowledged, and we don’t have to manage alone. So, please don’t assume that just because some time has passed, we’re okay.
These "Don’ts" are a timeless reference for supporting those in grief—not just on September 11th, but all year round. To help keep these important reminders close, we've created an infographic that you can refer to whenever you find yourself in a similar position. It’s a simple yet powerful tool that underscores the importance of compassion, patience, and presence in the face of grief.
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